Post by drakeconnors on Jan 27, 2020 0:21:56 GMT -6
Scene: Backstage at IWA, ON CAMERA
The scene fades in on the back of the head of a man with reddish-blond hair, a crazy-quilt of a leather coat and tights to match, gawking around at the stagehands setting things up for the inaugural show of Monday Night Mayhem. He was finally here! America! The land of beer and titties! Where the pussy was endless and all the Coca-Cola you could want was on tap in every restaurant!
He was unimpressed.
Aside from a few minor differences, this seemed a whole lot like NAPW back home, although he understood there were differences here. According to Drake, wrestlers here hit like babies... He was looking forward to testing that. Scratching his wild, bleached hair and having no idea on where to go or what to do, Kyukyoku no Kyojin just kind of... Wandered, not even noticing the cameraman following him. He bumped into Drake Connors as he exited what looked to be an office, and they exchanged a brief homie-hug.
Drake: Kyu! Mah man! How you settling in here, bro?
Kyu snorted.
Kyukyoku no Kyojin: Dude, I have no clue what the hell to do. I've just kinda been walking around, checking the set up, peeping the ladies. That Titania chick is scary thicc.
Drake chuckled.
Drake: Yeah, she's... She's a big-ass woman.
Kyukyoku no Kyojin: I bet she knocks bitches out with dummy thicc buttclaps.
Drake laughed.
Drake: Dude... Look, that's funny and shit, but don't let HR hear you say that. You might get sued for sexual harassment or something.
Kyu shrugged.
Kyukyoku no Kyojin: Like I care? She gets mad, she can go shit herself, fucking llama's elbow. Or she can challenge me to a fight, and I'll beat her up and play bongos on those big old hippo cheeks.
Drake continued laughing, but shook his head.
Drake: Man, you'd better be careful. You might end up getting canceled.
Kyukyoku no Kyojin: Canceled? I can't be canceled! I'm the Ultimate Madman! I say and do crazy things! I hang with freaks and I clap cheeks! If any of these pieces of fuck wanna do something about it, challenge me to a match, you weasel nipples!
Drake was wheezing from laughter; Kyu's nonsensical tirades were legendary in NAPW, and Drake didn't think Ana had any kind of clue what kind of a time she was gonna have trying to wrangle the guy. Wiping a laughter induced tear from his eye, Drake looked at Kyu.
Drake: So you don't have any idea who you're facing on this most auspicious of first shows?
Kyu shrugged.
Kyukyoku no Kyojin: Not really. Don't even know where to find the card, man. Like I said, I've just been prowling around checking things out.
Drake nodded.
Drake: Yeah, I kinda got that impression... So I printed off a copy of the card. Take a look.
Drake handed Kyu a card with pictures and stuff on it. Kyu saw Thundercheeks taking on The Predator, Blonde #1 and Blonde #2, some jackass from some crappy movie fighting Noob Saibot, apparently, Drake taking on some girl from Candyland... And he, Kyu, was taking on...
Kyukyoku no Kyojin: Austin-san! Well, holy assballs! You got him to come along after all?
Drake nodded.
Kyukyoku no Kyojin:Sweet. He's one of the few white boys that can hang with Japanese Strong Style... But I have a question... Why the hell am I also fighting the Crypt Keeper?
Drake cocked his head in puzzlement, and Kyu tapped the card stiffly, pointing at Julia Easter.
Kyukyoku no Kyojin: I don't wanna hear no Tales From the Crypt, man. Those shits were never scary, just some corny ass dingo dongles. How old is this lady? Cuz she looks older than that one bitch, what's her name, always drunk and hating on that tangerine guy you dumb Americans have for a president...
Drake: What, Nancy Pelosi?
Kyu snapped his fingers and pointed at Drake.
Kyukyoku no Kyojin: Yeah, that one. Jeez, man, I'm scared that scraggly goat teat will have a shitting heart attack if I fart too hard in her general direction! Look, Drake, I don't wanna get arrested my first time in America for elder abuse, man... What is your girlfriend Analicia trying to do to me?!
Drake, however, cannot answer: He is laughing too hard. Kyu gave Drake time to recover and answer.
Drake: First of all: Not my girlfriend. Ana's the boss, that would be improper. Second, yes, Julia Easter is older than the dirt she sleeps in, but that rickety old broad can take a bump. Don't be afraid to jack her right in the chin, man. I've booted her old ass around a time or four; she always survived afterward. Just watch out for her Ensure breath and soggy Depends, my man, and you'll do just fine.
Drake started to walk away, before an idea occurred to him and he stopped, holding up a finger.
Drake: Oh, and don't forget to watch where you step; you might accidentally step on one of her boobs. Two words: DROO PEE. Catch ya later, dude!
With that, the scene fades out on a horrified Kyukyoku no Kyojin's face.